This is where I have to start.

Day 1.

I’ve promised myself a million ‘day 1s’. I’m desperate for change. And yet normally I end up giving in after about a week and finding myself back where I started. I’m hoping that if I try to write on here every day then maybe I can hold myself a bit more accountable. Maybe I can see the days passing more easily instead of just forgetting where I came from and where I want to go.

The situation: I hate myself. I feel a hundred years old. My back aches constantly, I’m exhausted, I get cramps in my legs, headaches, I have bad skin, permanently bloodshot eyes, I’m overweight, low mood, and tearfulness. I never want to have sex and my husband and I fight a lot. I can hardly look at myself in the mirror. I obsess over how useless I am and I want desperately to be a writer but I never actually do it. There’s so many things that I wish were different in my life but I have no idea how to go about it.

The situation right now: Despite going to bed at 9.30pm I’m still tired and feel sick. I had a hangover yesterday and still feel some of the symptoms. I want to cry for no real reason (unless you count all the reasons above.) However, today I managed to get myself out of bed so that I have enough time to write before my son wakes up and instead of a strong black coffee I’ve drunk green tea and a glass of water. I’ll take it! It’s a start.

Motivation: I have a little boy. He’s two. And I don’t have the energy for him. I know that two year olds have a lot of energy and it’s not really something that anyone will be surprised about. But. I also know that almost everything that I do contributes to the fact that I never have the energy to play with him. Hangovers, caffeine crashes, crappy food, not enough water, bad sleep etc. So yes, while he’s a two year old with all the crazy energy that comes with that I’m also not helping matters in the slightest by being a tired lazy old mama. I want to have time for him and I want be able to play with him. I want to have years with him. I’m 35 and I feel like I’m 105.

Enough is enough.

I’m not drinking alcohol anymore. This is where I have to start. It might seem like something that should be easy but I know it won’t be. Tonight, when i get home from work my body and brain are going to want a beer, they’re going to tell me that I deserve it for my hard day but I have to do something else. Anything else, really! Right now I’m going to promise myself that when I’m craving a beer instead I’m going to play with my son. I’m going to sit down with him for twenty minutes and do nothing else.

Please.

Aim for today: Don’t drink alcohol. Drink water. It’s a start, right?